Thursday, July 28, 2011

Never to be the Same...

On July 1st my life was drastically changed.  Never to be the same.  At 4:30 am my father had a massive heart attack.  After being worked on for quite some time at home by paramedics, he was taken to Do Co hospital, then airlifted to St Cloud.  After 56 hours of intense waiting, testing, sitting in the hospital, it was pronounced that my father had brain death....absolutely no activity.   

That was it.  Just like that my world changed.  The last time I talked to him was Thursday night at dinner.  I tried to remember what I said...I can't.  It was nothing of importance, because when you don't know someone is going to die, you don't go out of your way to tell them anything important. 

Because of my personality, I went into survive mode...protector mode, strong mode...mostly for my mother.  It hurts so bad to see her hurt.  The next week is so intense.  You just sign papers and say yes or no....and Thank you to lots of people who care for you.  Then you go back to "normal".  Work, eat, sleep.  People ask you how you are and you say "good", forgetting that you are not at all well.  For some days, I would forget it happened and then go through the shock all over again. 

It hurts the worst right now.  This very minute.  I haven't cried too much the last few weeks and now it seems like I can't stop.  I miss him bad.  I miss cooking for him.  Dinner was a big deal in our house...I hated missing it...and Dad didn't like me to miss it either, since I cooked most of the time.  Every night after dinner, he would push his plate away from him and say "That was very good, thank you."  Just like that.  He would even say that when it wasn't good at all. 

He was a the biggest supporter of my baking business.  Every time I would it for a birthday party, wedding, or the farmer's market, he would come in the kitchen and say "which one of these is mine?"  Sometimes when I would cook, he would sit at the island in the kitchen on the bar stool and just watch me.  At the time, it was funny to me...that he would want to watch me...but now, I miss it. 

The truth is, I've read plenty of books about grieving and I have a degree in Counseling...but you don't actually know until you are there.  I also have been comforted by scripture, but it still hurts.  And....even though 800,000 people have told me that they are here for me, I still feel completely alone.  No one can miss him like I do.