Thursday, July 28, 2011

Never to be the Same...

On July 1st my life was drastically changed.  Never to be the same.  At 4:30 am my father had a massive heart attack.  After being worked on for quite some time at home by paramedics, he was taken to Do Co hospital, then airlifted to St Cloud.  After 56 hours of intense waiting, testing, sitting in the hospital, it was pronounced that my father had brain death....absolutely no activity.   

That was it.  Just like that my world changed.  The last time I talked to him was Thursday night at dinner.  I tried to remember what I said...I can't.  It was nothing of importance, because when you don't know someone is going to die, you don't go out of your way to tell them anything important. 

Because of my personality, I went into survive mode...protector mode, strong mode...mostly for my mother.  It hurts so bad to see her hurt.  The next week is so intense.  You just sign papers and say yes or no....and Thank you to lots of people who care for you.  Then you go back to "normal".  Work, eat, sleep.  People ask you how you are and you say "good", forgetting that you are not at all well.  For some days, I would forget it happened and then go through the shock all over again. 

It hurts the worst right now.  This very minute.  I haven't cried too much the last few weeks and now it seems like I can't stop.  I miss him bad.  I miss cooking for him.  Dinner was a big deal in our house...I hated missing it...and Dad didn't like me to miss it either, since I cooked most of the time.  Every night after dinner, he would push his plate away from him and say "That was very good, thank you."  Just like that.  He would even say that when it wasn't good at all. 

He was a the biggest supporter of my baking business.  Every time I would it for a birthday party, wedding, or the farmer's market, he would come in the kitchen and say "which one of these is mine?"  Sometimes when I would cook, he would sit at the island in the kitchen on the bar stool and just watch me.  At the time, it was funny to me...that he would want to watch me...but now, I miss it. 

The truth is, I've read plenty of books about grieving and I have a degree in Counseling...but you don't actually know until you are there.  I also have been comforted by scripture, but it still hurts.  And....even though 800,000 people have told me that they are here for me, I still feel completely alone.  No one can miss him like I do. 


  1. Thanks for sharing your heart Chrissy! My heart aches for you. Praying for you sweetie! Love you, xx

  2. Oh Chrissy ... you make me laugh and cry. I pray that you'll have comfort during these hard times of feeling alone. And if it makes you feel better, I'll come over and watch you cook. :) Love you - stacy

  3. Oh dear Chrissy, my heart breaks for you. I know some of the emotions you're walking will be 2 years ago in October that I lost my dad. I have to say there are few days that go by that I don't think about him at least once. The grieving process is so unique to each person. So I encourage you chrissy, its ok to grieve and to keep grieving, he's your daddy and he will always be a huge part of your life. Thank you Jesus that we can both have comfort in the fact that our earthly fathers are with our Heavenly Father, and they are no longer experiencing the pain and sorrow that we must endure for a little while longer. I love you Chrissy and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  4. Aww, Sweetie, I know exactly how you are feeling. In June of '99 I got "the call" that my dear Daddy had a heart attack & was in an ambulance & on his way to the hospital. I prayed the whole way there. As it turned out, he had had a massive brain aneurysm ~ to look at the CTscan, the front-left portion of his brain looked like a fried egg. He, too, was brain dead. My Daddy ~ my Daddy w/his striking blue eyes, his wonder sense of humor, his loving touch ~ was gone to heaven before. I was holding his hand when the machines were turned off & literally felt any trace of life leave this world.

    I miss him so very, very much.

    I am praying for you & your family.

    Blessings from Ohio...Kim<><